Here's what some people said...(most were on my side)

At 09:01 PM 10/29/2003 -0800, you wrote:

Dear Friends,

I found the attached message on my screen door when I got home from work last Friday, It's from my
upstairs neighbor. I would like your opinion. What do you think? What should my response be. Should I
grovel or kill? Your opinion is very valuable to me. I have my own ideas but YOUR combined creativity
would a formidable force. Let me know what you think, however creatively you may want to approach it. I
must say it has been particularly inspiring for me. Thanks in advance for your participation in this project.
Send all your replies to me. Your timely response is greatly appreciated. Feel free to share this with your
friends and newsgroups.



From Dr. Legume:

Smarmy fucker, ain't he?

Sorry if this isn't very creative, but I suggest you just ignore him, as long as you're making noise during legal Big Noize
hours (here it's 8 am to 10 pm).

Or, you COULD just intentionally STAGE all the things he complains about when you're sure he's home. ;Loud
conversations about ape-fucking, or Klan meetings or mafia hits, and loud music by Claudette Longet.  Have loud
fights with your daughter about breakfast meats.

That'll twist up the fucker.

From Gary G'Broagfran:

Dear Bob;

I can smell your farts, but I thankfully cannot hear them. But, if I wanted privacy I would not live in a box, especially
with neighbors like me. My friend Gary lives next to a crack house and has to run 4 saws at the same time just to
overcome the drugged and drunken noise at night.

I'm not sawing because I need to cut wood. I am sawing because I am a big bad guy (weekends only) and it is my duty
and destiny to saw. In my former job, I sawed skulls and feet all day. the noise didn't bother me a bit. Let's
compromise. We'll go down to Sears and get you your own saw and you too can be empowered. You will feel a lot
better than you do after you listen to disco at 13 decibels or less. And if you ever mention my daughter again, I'll kick
your ass.



Dear Bob,

It is with a heavy heart that I take your criticism. Each day, before I saw or pray, I consult the books and tracts I live
by. I agree heartily, that to saw not upon thy neighbor is a lofty goal, and I weep like a child whose puppy has
terminal colic when I see that my efforts cause the pain and distress of a society torn apart by those who saw with
pride and alacrity and those who would stop them from completing such a task.

Every moment of life is a miracle and a test of our human-ness. All men, and over 22% of women must saw and those
who refuse will burn, or twist and warp. You cannot be a man, especially in this day of trials and war, and not need
to put your blade to a non-malleable non-ferrous substrate at least once per day. Please, I beg you, if you feel that
you are not man enough to test your mettle on a stiff wooden rod, read and study until you see the word before
you. You can saw, reach out and say it... "I, Bob, can saw." But don't forget, ";measure twice, cut once";, or it's back
to the lumberyard. But you already know that, right? See you at the gym.

From St Inhibiting Factor:


It's hard to say, because on one hand, I hate noisy neighbors - but I have a pretty high tolerance level for a
reasonable amount of noise. Also depends on what kind of noise it is.

One of the most annoying was this Mexican family next to my place in Chicago one time.

They would blare their Mexican music (which I called "circus music", because, you know how it is with the oompa
oompa tubas) waaaay louder than they needed it, and always at hours I was trying to sleep. Rather than confront
them in a hostile way, I just said "hi" whenever I saw them in the hallways or whatever, got to know them - then one
day had a chat with the mom. Asked them if they could keep it down. She said sure, but
nevertheless, the noise continued unchanged.

A couple more times, while the music was playing I went over and asked for it to turn down. In those cases it worked
for a while. THEN, one day, the daughter, a cute little kid, maybe seven years old, she knocks on my door and when I
answer she says - "tomorrow night we are having a party at our apartment, and we're going have
some music, so please don't come over and ask us to turn it down . . ." Suddenly I wanted to kick that little kid's ass -
but what was I gonna do? Knowing her parents told her to do it made me wanna kill them too.
I ended up hanging out somewhere other than my apartment the next day.

Anyway, here's an idea if you wanna annoy him - when Natalie is staying over, have her go knock on his door and say
tomorrow my daddy is going to make a lot of noise, and if you don't want it to bother you, you might want
to arrange your schedule so you aren't here for it. He'll wanna kick her ass, but what's he gonna do?

That's just a thought off the toppa my head.

From St. Byron Werner:

Can't you read between the lines, Philo?

He WANTS you, man. He REALLY WANTS you. He wants you to make hot monkey love all over his body in every room of
his house. He's trying to be coy, but his desire is getting the best of him.

Make the first move and you will make "Bob" the happiest man in the bay area. Well, one of the happiest, as I'm sure
YOU will find yourself being pretty happy, too!

Give it a try! Love conquers all!

Good luck.

St. Byron

From Dr. Legume replying to St. Byron's post:

At 08:10 AM 10/30/2003 -0800, Byron Werner wrote:

Can't you read between the lines, Philo?

He WANTS you, man. He REALLY WANTS you. He wants you to make hot monkey love all over his body in every room of
his house. He's trying to be coy, but his desire is getting the best of him.

Make the first move and you will make "Bob" the happiest man in the bay area. Well, one of the happiest,
as I'm sure YOU will find yourself being pretty happy, too!

Give it a try! Love conquers all!

Uh-oh, Byron's RECRUITING again.

Dr. Legume
"In order to fly you have to lose your shit"

This communication, including attachments,
is for the exclusive use of addressee and may contain proprietary,
confidential and/or privileged information. If you are not the intended
recipient, any use, copying, disclosure, dissemination or distribution is
strictly prohibited. Don't make me hurt you.

All contents are copyright 2001 Dr.Legume
All rights reserved.

And then Byron's reply back to Legume's

Not me, Bub. Strictly `Purity of Essence' for me. `Peace on Earth.' POE.

I just think that this could solve both "Bob"'s problem and Philo's lonliness at the same time.

St Byron

And then Gary replies to Byron's reply to Legume

You have a good theory, but I disagree that Philo would prefer the
"Bob" upstairs to a hole in the ground, which he has available at all
times. I have never seen the guy willing to change holes midstream.
However, since these messages are turning into a flame-Philo jamboree,
he should go upstairs and kill the guy for starting this. Then he can
fuck him without worrying about being a fag or breaking church law.


And Byron Back

Not flaming Philo, brother. Just trying to find him a little slack,
Frisco style!

"Gonna get m'saw"--Janor

And Legume again:

O-ring? You're not referring to `onion rings' are you?
What a great idea, but let's call them "Pre-lubed Tempura Cock Rings"
We will sell a million of them. People will fight over who gets to
swallow. As far as Philo goes, he should buy out all of the other
condos and turn the whole place into a crazy rats' maze of 25 rooms
decorated exactly the same. With only one door though, the IN door. He
could start a great new cult. Now he needs to get a job as a college
girls' soccer coach to get the right cult members, instead of a bunch
of guys like us, as he got in his last cult.

And I forgot which one said this:

Your neighbor is Bob Weir??? From the Grateful Dead??? COOOOL!

Legume replying to earlier post, again:

Not me, Bub. Strictly `Purity of Essence' for me. `Peace on Earth.' POE.

I'm more a "War on Earth"; kinda guy, WOE. We call you people POE-locks.

Byron back to Legume:

So what? Why should I care?

Dr.Legume wrote:

Because you're dinner at Philo's barbecue.

Anyone know any good recipes for POEbucker?

Inhibiting Factor:

shut up - don't make me come back there and eat both of ya
yer fillin up my in-box

At 03:21 PM 10/30/2003 -0800, Byron Werner wrote: me, Doctor!


It'd be worth it just to shit you out.


Ever see ALIEN? You're John Hurt. I'm the alien.

Then back to the theme with Philo's Brother, Sphinx:

Dear Philo's neighbor Bob:
I am writing to tell you that you've really hurt my brother's feelings. Obviously you either don't understand or don't
care about my brother Philo's Hillybilly Po'buckin' ways. He was under the impression in a mellow liberal tolerant
laid-back cool place like California, that his neighbors wouldn't be so uptight and get their panties all twisted up their
butt when a fellow neighbor chose sawing to express his creativity and craftsmanship. Philo isn't from California, he's
from Texas, where he was taught to share the things he enjoys and well, the sound of sawing is like music to a
Po'buckers ears. Now unless you are gonna 'tell old Granny with the 19 cats in the cat-e-corner unit to kill the
thursday night quiting bee, it's just not fair to expect Philo not to play with his saws. Both Philo and old Granny with
the 19 cats are just expressing themselves in their own way, they way people are 'sposed to be able to do in a free
country. Man, power sawing is a po' buckers birthright.

Honestly Bob, you need to look in the mirror. Why be so hateful against your neighbor. Why would you want to
infringe upon his birthright. What arbitrary power gives you the right to apply your static value system to a dynamic
world? Applying such closed minded views is a slap in the face of diversity and belittles the notion of true harmony. It
seems you only want the freedom to impose your views.

You really need to chill out, mellow down, take it easy. What would possess you to think that your solitude is of
greater value to you than Philo's sawing is to him? Yet you have solitude the overwheming majority of the time and
still blow a fuse when on the rare occassion that Philo plays with his saws because he didn't give advance notice or
because he didn't negotiate a freakin' schedule time. Hell I'm telling you the kind of notice you can expect from
Philo, you'll notice next saturday it's been one week since Philo last sawed.

Philo's Brother;

Another one from Gary:

Dear Bob,

I want to invite you to come to Oakland and see my saw collection, all
in working order. I use them legally between the hours of 8 a.m. and 10
p.m. Here are most of the saws I have. Do you like hex wrenches? I have
lots of those too. Paint brushes too.

1. table saw
2. radial arm saw
3. panel saw
4. 110"band saw
5. 80" band saw
6. scroll saw
7. 14' miter box
8. 12' miter box
9. 12' miter box
10. skil saw
11. skil saw
12. sawzall
13. jig saw
14. back saw
15. rip saw
17 crosscut saw
18. drywall saw
19 grandpa's saw
20. large keyhole saw
21. small keyhole saw
22. coping saw
23. hack saw
24. dad's finish saw
25. my first saw! from 1951 and still sharp.
26. hack saw
27. hack saw
28. toolbox saw

Please note that I had a major saw divestment in 1984, so some items
you might expect to see on the list do not appear.

regards, Gary

And then the one contrarian, who better than...

Nenslo wrote:

Stop being such an asshole. NOBODY wants to have a
neighbor who blasts his stupid music outdoors, whether
he's sawing shit up or not. Noise doesn't just
MAGICALLY STOP when it reaches the limits of your
personal space. You have a right to do anything you
want to in your own space but as soon as your actions
effect someone in THEIR space, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.
UNDERWEAR. YOU are the bad neighbor that everybody
hates. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. Think about whether
YOU would enjoy suffering some UNGODLY UGLY RACKET
from some RUDE ASSHOLE when all you want is to live a
peaceful life and make it through the day without
AND UPSETTING INTERVALS. Do you see what I am driving
at here?

Then Philo wrote:

Hey Bob, check out that last one -- I think he's that bastard son you refused to acknowledge from that liaison you
had that time with the retarded ape but with whom you would like to kindle a homo-erotic incestuous
relationship, you know, the one you talk so fondly about in your sleep.

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